I'm so emotionally and physically exhausted I can hardly write! Its been a long 72 hours!
On Thursday, I learned my friend Linda was dying. Later that day, things exploded with my parents. After my mother spanked my son and screamed obscenities at me in front of my kids, she lost her cool.
I lost my cool.
She made threats.
She didn't realize I read Love and Logic and when you make a threat to your child, you better back it up.
I'm 40 years old.
Control does not equal love. I'm not an addict or a gambler. Tough love isn't necessary.
Telling me when to go to bed, when to wake up, how to order my day, how to parent and taking the liberty of spanking my child are not hallmarks of a loving, healthy relationship.
She told me if I didn't like her rules (no matter how disrespectful they are) I could leave.
So, I left.
My parents didn't really want us in their home....
my kids and I and our grief are inconvenient.
I took the kids to their dad's house to be safe.
He offered me his couch. Confusing for all. I said no.
He was my friend... in my grief.
I was thankful.
The kids are safe.
I've been couch surfing.
On Friday, I got a job offer.
Its a PRN job, so I'm basically like a substitute. I have to plan to work and arrange for childcare, but I might get called off at the last minute.
But, its a job. I'll take it. I'm excited.
I woke up this morning to the news of Linda's death.
C. scored 2 goals in her 1st soccer game today.
Her dad and I aren't communicating well. I don't understand him.
He doesn't think he should be financially responsible for me.
He doesn't care that I'm living out of my van.
My van with 190k miles, no A/C and a hard shifting transmission.
He believes my parents are responsible for me now that he doesn't want to be.
Did I mention, I'm 40?
So, I took matters into my own hands and found an extended stay room fo only $25 per night.
I can get work done.
Taxes, filing, seasons changing, kids clothes swapped and sold
continued job searching, application paperwork for new job
balancing checkbook... .only $13 left.....
I'm spent....
Long day ahead tomorrow.
Saying goodbye to another friend.
He's been our pastor and friend for almost 20 years.
He was "let go." My church is imploding.
My family, my church - falling apart.
Tired of the grief. Tired of the losses.
Just plain tired.
