The realization that, with joint custody, I am no longer witness to over 50% of my children's lives pierces my heart to the core. This is not what I signed up for. I did not put my kids in full time daycare to continue to work for this very reason. Ironic isn't it?
Between 1st grade for C., 3 morning a week preschool for J., and 3 nights a week at their dad's house, my time with my kids has diminished significantly. I am now one of several adults who has primary influence over my children. That is a sobering fact for any mom. So, I know I've got to make my time with them the most influential.
This is one of many sad realizations that sneak up on me late at night and catches my breathe in midair. I remember talking myself out of a panic attack the first time I thought about my kids having to schlep their favorite belongings between 2 homes.
However, I've noticed that since the split in parenting duties, I'm much slower to anger, less easily frustrated with the kids. I'm more keenly aware of their emotional and physical needs. I spot sleepiness at 30 paces. I don't rebuke sassy talk with the same tone.
Instead of 24/7 togetherness, there is a bigger space between me and my children, a better understanding of emotional boundaries and their needs. I'm not enmeshed with my kids, simply because I am no longer in control of them 24/7. These are realities I knew I'd face as a mom. I just expected to face them closer to age 16 and not so close to age 6.
My kids have experiences at this age (7 & 4) I don't ever know about. I see a new found confidence in both of them because they are successfully navigating this new adventure their on, to a certain extent. (I've worked hard to spin this upheaval as an adventure, instead of a struggle.) Gulp! I also recognize a gentleness and peace in my children when they are with me that wasn't present before. This peace isn't present when they are around their dad, and it disappears completely when their dad and I are in the same room.
One of my greatest fears as a parent is not being available for my kids. Little did I realize how "unavailable" I'd been with them in recent months. Because the economy of time seemed rather liberal at that point, there was not the sense of intentionality there is now.
During the 4 months of "separated but living under the same roof," I was shell shocked and struggling to guard myself emotionally. Those 4 months were not my best parenting days, by any stretch. I didn't want to alienate my kids from their dad, but I certainly checked out from the wife/household executive role.
Now, while the kids are with their dad, I have time to process my emotions, out of sight from my kids. My parenting is not dictated by my emotional needs, as it tended to be during those 4 months. While I'm intentional about letting the kids know that I am hurt and saddened by our situation, I'm not a heaping mess of tear-filled, snotty nosed goo on the floor. I can articulate my feelings better because I've had a chance to properly contain them. I am better able to share feelings appropriately, because I feel its paramount for them to understand that our circumstance and how it happened are NOT OK... but that we are going to be OK. They can still love their dad, even if I'm saddened by him. Their relationship with him is not the same as mine with him, and its OK that they are different. WHAT he did is not OK, but he is still OK.
With some space between the 3 of us, I'm willing to fight the nutrition, bedtime, bath time, homework battles now that I have a few more emotional reserves. I am relatively emotionally safe and it shows in my parenting.
I am so very thankful for these unforeseen blessings - the beauty and growth in me and my kids that is coming out of the burned out debris of a marriage gone bad! Proof yet again that God is in charge, and none of this is catching him off guard.
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